Sand dollars, star fish and disappointment

Lately I have been considering the disappointments in my life and how I live in hope or demand control and change.

I’ve come to God as a victim child, begging, pleading, throwing a variety of emotional tantrums and then sulking, demanding that God rewrite the chapters of my life to my satisfaction. My longings haven’t been wrong, but my demands to God and attempts at control to contain the pain of disappointment have been ugly. Instead of dancing through my disappointments wearing my pink ballet slippers and trusting God, I’ve stomped around in combat boots covered with manure, stinking in my contempt.

When I glide softly in my pink ballet slippers, God offers sweet moments of grace and hope. There have been moments in the recent months of my life when God has given me more than I asked for or dreamed could be for me. Are some of my present circumstances what I long for? No. But God has offered me grace, hope and opportunities to be fulfilled elsewhere.

As I travel, I gather whatever nature has to offer. I have heart shaped rocks from Normandy Beach, stones from Paris, beach glass from Switzerland, shells from the North Sea in Amsterdan, and drift wood and shells from the beaches here in the US. Two of my prize shells are a sand dollar and star fish. I have found a few sand dollars and only one tiny star fish. As I walked the Florida beach this past March, several people stopped me to say I wouldn’t find any nice shells. I kept walking, asking God to speak to me about the disappointments in my life.

I hadn’t gone far when I picked up broken sand dollar. I continued to find many broken pieces of sand dollars. OK – God I’ve get it. You are using these sand dollars to represent the broken places of my life. Then you will help me find a whole sand dollar, totally intact to represent the places in my story where you have taken my broken pieces of disappointment and made them whole.

I continued to find broken pieces of sand dollars but not a whole one. I was beginning to wonder if I had misunderstood the conclusion to this story God was showing me.

Then my eyes caught something in the water. Could it be? Yes – a starfish. I scooped it up, put in my bucket and smiled. God had something even better in mind for me than I had hoped. Not a whole sand dollar, but a prized star fish, only the second one I’ve ever found. But wait, was that? Yes, another star fish. God was blessing me beyond what I could have asked for and my smile turned to a chuckle. As I walked along basking in how God had written the ending of this story, I looked down and there was yet another star fish! I had asked God for a whole sand dollar and He answered with three star fish.

As I continue to walk this earthly story for God, I purpose to live in my reality, believing that the exact circumstances and disappointments I have today are the ones God has planned for me and that through them He is growing me to be the woman He has called for the purposes He has planned just for me. Today I will live with hope and faith.

Will you wait with hope?

As I sit hear reading a list of prayer requests from my home church family, my heart is heavy. There is so much sickness among our group and many difficult things with families. I experienced both hard and glorious things on my recent trip to the Caribbean and what I realize today is that life is full of hard things, no matter where we live or what our present circumstances. Some among us know financial difficulty and need jobs, many know of sickness and struggles to get healthy, others have children and parents that are struggling physically, relationally or emotionally. We love our children, we love our parents and family relatives and our hearts are burdened whether we live under the different circumstances of another country or here in the United States. Lots of things are the same. Pain and struggle is pain and struggle no matter the boundaries of a country.

As I lift up my new "family" in the Caribbean today for their specific needs, I also lift up the requests of my "family" here in the US. God is a God over all of us - here and there in the Caribbean. I live believing that God hears and He answers in His timing as to how it will most glorify Him and grow each of us. That growth process isn't always pleasant.

Having the opportunity once again to share the harm stories and then the redemption stories God has written through me with my Caribbean friends reminds me that God has my days planned and promises to walk with me through them, both the difficult ones and the glorious ones. I am trying to live with the belief that God has chosen my exact circumstances for today (uncomfortable or warm and fuzzy) because that is how I will grow to be the person He wants to use for His glory. My story framed with God's story invites others to dream and to hope and sometimes to move closer to God. I saw it happen again on my recent trip.

I hope for each of you today that God will seem close, that He will right the wrongs that are swirling around you with needs for jobs, physical healing, safety and protection and emotional healing. And if He chooses to ask you to wait or He answers in a way different that you have requested of Him, that you can feel His hands warm upon you as He comforts and asks you to trust Him.

Welcome to the Journey

It was snowy and icy that day in a little town in northern Indiana. It was about this time of day when a little baby girl was born into this world. She was tiny, just over 6 pounds but she carried within that tiny body a story to be lived, a journey to be traveled, and a legacy to leave.

Now 63 years later as I look back on that journey there are so many blessings to count. There are memories of 44 years of marriage, 5 living children with their spouses, and 16 grandchildren. Recent music concerts and videos of children's plays remind me of the many gifts my children have and the role music has played in many of their lives. There are friends spread across the USA and into some foreign countries. I am blessed.

I have traveled to places I only dreamed as a young girl that I might see sometime in life, such as standing beneath the Eiffel Tower earlier this year in Paris, Monet's Gardens and seeing the Kukenhoff in Amsterdam in the spring with the tulips blooming, finishing off with a trip to Alaska late in the year.

I have touched the lives of some with the redemption story God has written through me. I have seen hope restored, marriages redeemed, harmful habits turned to hopeful and healthy choices and lives turned back to God. I have walked a restoration journey with others that continues to show God's plan and purpose for the life of that little girl born many years ago.

This day brings to close another year on earth and the closing of another year of my life. What will 2011 bring? Where will the journey take me this year? What will the valleys be and how high will the mountain tops be? What will the new memories be? Will I travel well with faith and hope? Will I journey with confidence that God has His plan in place? Will I be a willing traveler on the journey in the midst of disappointments and unmet longings?

My 2011 resolution is to be just that - a willing traveler believing that joy will outlast any disappointments or sadness. Welcome 2011 - a new year with a new journal waiting to record the many experiences and memories.

Do you have your 2011 journal and pen ready to record God's travel journey for you? May you travel well with hope and faith covered with joy in 2011.

What is really behind the photo?

Pictures say a thousand words but do they always speak the depths of truth and reality?

The photo on the left symbolizes the star that came to rest over the place where Jesus was born. Many thoughts come to me as I see the star and remember the many stories of that glorious night.

Pastor Brian at our church has been focusing this Christmas season on picture perfect -- or is it really?

We see so many photos depicting the birth of Jesus and see many scenes of that miraculous time such as the photo above. Was that birth place really as warm and cozy? Was it all as it's shown in the photos?

I just finished watching "The Nativity" which shows a reality much more likely for Joseph and especially Mary as this miracle unfolds from beginning to the actual birth and days following. Mary was young, frightened and subjected to ridicule from her family, friends and villagers. Marriage may well not have been her hoped for plan at that time in her life, let alone carrying a child as a virgin - a child conceived in a way never before or after in all of eternity. Who would believe her - who would walk this wild time with her - and could she commit herself to carry this story God was asking of her? A lot of difficult questions - questions I would find difficult in my lifetime.

I know the smallest bit of Mary's story. I was a young girl about to be married. I was ill-prepared for the future of joining together with another human being, to become one, and to journey together these some 45 years that have transpired since back then. I came to my marriage two months pregnant, though that was not a divine conception. I knew the ridicule of family and friends as my secret became obvious. I was frightened of many things coming quickly into my life. I wish I could say that I lived that portion of my life journey with the hope and faith Mary had.

This time of year we send and receive family photos. Everyone is dressed to coordinate and make the photo appealing. Often, professional photos are taken just for the occasion. Everyone smiles and seems happy, but is this the reality? What happened in the hour prior to the photo shoot? What's really in the hearts of those in the photo? With the state of things today, many photos show a plastic non-reality. Truth in some photos would tell of lost jobs, precarious financial situations, health issues, struggling marriages, and unrest in the hearts.

As I see people individually in my office for Life Care with Embraced by Hope I hear stories of serious struggle during this season. Things aren't as they appear, life isn't that photo of happiness and hope. Life is precarious and difficult for some.

The birth of Jesus in less than perfect conditions is really a good photo for us - a road map. Life wasn't perfect, the birth didn't happen where and when it was most hoped for, hard things weren't taken away to make life smoother for Mary and Joseph. In fact it seems an already difficult situation was made more difficult with events leading up to the birth.

I have birthed 7 babies. Each time was in the safe and clean sitting of a hospital surrounded by nurses, physicians and all the needed equipment to provide for safe delivery and health of my child. And yet I was concerned for what was to come. Mary didn't have any of that. It was enough that she was about to give birth to a baby under the best of circumstances during that time. Now she would give birth alone with her fiance to help her, a dirty animal trough to lay this child in and the swaddling clothes we see were likely the shawl that had covered her for the 4 or 5 day travel to Bethlehem. It would have been filthy at best. No sanitary conditions there.

And yet, God was there to guide and protect. The picture wasn't perfect, but God was. The situation was less than hopeful, but Hope was born that night in the midst of uncertainty and chaos.

The pictures we send out may not be perfect, or truly depict our lives all the time, but with God, our story is as He has planned it. I wonder if the photographs of my life are all in God's Book for me? The photos of my life aren't all picture-perfect, but they are God-perfect. God is writing a story and I'm walking the journey He has chosen for me and walking the journey with others.

By the way, that child born to me 45 years ago was our first-born son. And God chose to have the son born Christmas Day. It was a comfort to me, a sign from God, one of many times that I would sense that God was making my less than perfect life God-perfect. And to bring the number of our family to a close our seventh child, another son, was also born on Christmas Day! God in His unique way put His special mark on the beginning and ending of children born to us.

What's behind the photos of this holiday season for you? Are they picture perfect - likely not since we all live in a fallen world. But most importantly, can you rest in faith and hope, knowing that they are God-perfect?

Where are you God?

I've had moments in life when I struggled to find God in the
pain and disappointments of my life. Today is one of those times.

The story of another has given me opportunity to walk back through some of the scenes of my life and the choices I've made to follow God. I followed God not because I could see Him, or that He wrote His next steps for me in my date book. I followed Him because early in life I sensed His presence and felt His guidance. At that young age, I really didn't know who He was. Often in times of difficulty, I felt an urging that took me out of harm's way and into some safety. Later in life I came to know this as God's grace and protection over me.

As I've journeyed through adulthood, I have sensed His call many times and tried to follow in obedience. God has come to rescue me many times from difficult places and battles.

The photo to the right was taken by a new friend in Alaska of the beauty and serenity there. It has gripped at my heart this morning and so portrays where I am. I am trusting, though weary, I am longing, though facing some of those longings going unmet by God. I am living in reality, and struggling to stay present and hopeful. I am looking into the distance and trying to see God, as I look into the distance of this photo, trying to see the mountains on the horizon. The photo is a bit hazy and unclear. So is my life at this moment. There are tracks to follow, but I don't know where they lead. It seems desolate and void. My heart feels desolate and void.

There is a slight red haze on the horizon. Is that hope of a sunrise or Sonrise to come in my life? Or is that the sign of yet another storm brewing - a battle to be fought, a fight with Evil to try to shut down my heart and my hope.

Where are you God? The road map of my past tells me that You God will show up in Your timing with Your plan. Why is it so hard to remember that promise in the midst of the battle? When will you silence Evil for the last time? When will the sunrise truly be the SONRISE as Gabriel sounds the trumpets and You come on your white horse to end the pain of this earth. I long for the day, God. I am weary of the battle.

The Lord is my ...................many things!

The Lord is my Shepherd and so much more!

I have just returned from 10 days in Alaska. I served on a team that led a seminar called Beauty for Ashes. We held the hearts and stories of some very special people that have called Alaska home for many generations, Alaskan Native peoples from a variety of tribes across that great state. What beautiful people with such resiliency and determination to care well for the earth, to respect their elders, to cherish stories and to stand strong in the face of unspeakable adversity. There is so much I would love to share, but the following is an expansion of the 23rd Psalm. This saying was in the room where I stayed and it became my constant comforter during some difficult, but hopeful times. It goes like this...........

The Lord is my Shepherd -- that's Relationship!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures -- that's Rest!
He leadeth me beside still waters -- that's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul -- that's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness -- that's Guidance!
For His name sake -- that's Purpose!
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death -- that's Testing!
I will fear no evil -- that's Protection!
For Thou art with me -- that's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me -- that's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies -- that's Hope!
Thou annointeth my head with oil -- that's Consecration!
My cup runneth over - that Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life -- that's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord - -that's Security!
Forever -- that's Eternity!

I long for this to comfort you in your difficult times.

The Journey

Where do these steps lead? What is beyond and over the hill?

Last week was a special journey for me as I lead a group of special people on a journey into the stories of their past at SALTS (Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training) with Open Hearts Ministry.

There were breakdowns, blowouts, and heart failures along the way. And there were glorious scenes of God's beauty played out as hearts melted, understood realities and moved into new freedoms.

The setting was the Maranatha Campus on Lake Michigan and this photo is such a true picture of the week. We all came bringing some baggage and it was heavy. We all longed to leave it there in God's care. The week required a few stops at the garbage dump to leave baggage in the form of lies believed, illigitimate shame carried, and unhealthy ways of protecting our wounded hearts.

But before we could head for the dump, we had to walk a journey into the unknown. We began taking the steps we could see like the ones in the photo, and then continued to places on the journey where we couldn't see where the next steps would lead us. It required faith and a willingness to offer some trust to others.

Lies were uncovered and agreements broken. False and plastic identities to hide and protect were torn down and authentic faces appeared. Frozen hearts became alive with hope for new beginnings.

It was a special gift to enter the stories and be a journey guide for some who came anticipating the adventure. The celebration at the close of this portion of the journey was sweet, laughter rich and connecting priceless.

There are new co-travelers to join me on my journey. There are new faces in my spiritual community.

None of us know where the steps lead beyond where our eyes can see, but I continue on walking in faith that God, the One who writes my travel plan is my steady journey companion.

Where are you on your journey toward the One who wrote your life plan?