Where are you God?

I've had moments in life when I struggled to find God in the
pain and disappointments of my life. Today is one of those times.

The story of another has given me opportunity to walk back through some of the scenes of my life and the choices I've made to follow God. I followed God not because I could see Him, or that He wrote His next steps for me in my date book. I followed Him because early in life I sensed His presence and felt His guidance. At that young age, I really didn't know who He was. Often in times of difficulty, I felt an urging that took me out of harm's way and into some safety. Later in life I came to know this as God's grace and protection over me.

As I've journeyed through adulthood, I have sensed His call many times and tried to follow in obedience. God has come to rescue me many times from difficult places and battles.

The photo to the right was taken by a new friend in Alaska of the beauty and serenity there. It has gripped at my heart this morning and so portrays where I am. I am trusting, though weary, I am longing, though facing some of those longings going unmet by God. I am living in reality, and struggling to stay present and hopeful. I am looking into the distance and trying to see God, as I look into the distance of this photo, trying to see the mountains on the horizon. The photo is a bit hazy and unclear. So is my life at this moment. There are tracks to follow, but I don't know where they lead. It seems desolate and void. My heart feels desolate and void.

There is a slight red haze on the horizon. Is that hope of a sunrise or Sonrise to come in my life? Or is that the sign of yet another storm brewing - a battle to be fought, a fight with Evil to try to shut down my heart and my hope.

Where are you God? The road map of my past tells me that You God will show up in Your timing with Your plan. Why is it so hard to remember that promise in the midst of the battle? When will you silence Evil for the last time? When will the sunrise truly be the SONRISE as Gabriel sounds the trumpets and You come on your white horse to end the pain of this earth. I long for the day, God. I am weary of the battle.

The Lord is my ...................many things!

The Lord is my Shepherd and so much more!

I have just returned from 10 days in Alaska. I served on a team that led a seminar called Beauty for Ashes. We held the hearts and stories of some very special people that have called Alaska home for many generations, Alaskan Native peoples from a variety of tribes across that great state. What beautiful people with such resiliency and determination to care well for the earth, to respect their elders, to cherish stories and to stand strong in the face of unspeakable adversity. There is so much I would love to share, but the following is an expansion of the 23rd Psalm. This saying was in the room where I stayed and it became my constant comforter during some difficult, but hopeful times. It goes like this...........

The Lord is my Shepherd -- that's Relationship!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures -- that's Rest!
He leadeth me beside still waters -- that's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul -- that's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness -- that's Guidance!
For His name sake -- that's Purpose!
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death -- that's Testing!
I will fear no evil -- that's Protection!
For Thou art with me -- that's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me -- that's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies -- that's Hope!
Thou annointeth my head with oil -- that's Consecration!
My cup runneth over - that Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life -- that's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord - -that's Security!
Forever -- that's Eternity!

I long for this to comfort you in your difficult times.

The Journey

Where do these steps lead? What is beyond and over the hill?

Last week was a special journey for me as I lead a group of special people on a journey into the stories of their past at SALTS (Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training) with Open Hearts Ministry.

There were breakdowns, blowouts, and heart failures along the way. And there were glorious scenes of God's beauty played out as hearts melted, understood realities and moved into new freedoms.

The setting was the Maranatha Campus on Lake Michigan and this photo is such a true picture of the week. We all came bringing some baggage and it was heavy. We all longed to leave it there in God's care. The week required a few stops at the garbage dump to leave baggage in the form of lies believed, illigitimate shame carried, and unhealthy ways of protecting our wounded hearts.

But before we could head for the dump, we had to walk a journey into the unknown. We began taking the steps we could see like the ones in the photo, and then continued to places on the journey where we couldn't see where the next steps would lead us. It required faith and a willingness to offer some trust to others.

Lies were uncovered and agreements broken. False and plastic identities to hide and protect were torn down and authentic faces appeared. Frozen hearts became alive with hope for new beginnings.

It was a special gift to enter the stories and be a journey guide for some who came anticipating the adventure. The celebration at the close of this portion of the journey was sweet, laughter rich and connecting priceless.

There are new co-travelers to join me on my journey. There are new faces in my spiritual community.

None of us know where the steps lead beyond where our eyes can see, but I continue on walking in faith that God, the One who writes my travel plan is my steady journey companion.

Where are you on your journey toward the One who wrote your life plan?

Life has been somewhat like this photo for me lately. There have been swirling dark clouds, not only in my life, but in the lives of some of my friends. Some of those clouds represent serious illness, family disruption, marital struggles, plans dashed and spiritual battle.

We aren't promised a bed of roses. What an interesting saying - what would a bed of roses really be? I'd settle for friends healed free of cancer, marriages restored, hearts opened to God's plan for them and longings met. You can have the bed of roses - I'll take the other.

But we don't always have the choice of taking either. God doesn't promise each chapter will end with the prince coming for the princess on the white horse and they live happily ever after. God doesn't promise healing. God does promise that all things will work to my good if I trust Him.

There have been some difficult moments just this past week when trust has been a real stretch of my heart. A dear friend experienced a very difficult situation earlier this week that looked out of the realm of God's fix. So much hope was dashed, and what was to be a celebration had turned to a funeral. As we cried together and prayed, there weren't words to make sense of the trauma. I mentioned the promise about God turning everything to good if we trust. We talked about having blind trust when life makes no sense. I spoke it for my friend's benefit but I struggled to see how God could turn this to anything good. It looked so tragic from our earthly stance.

God had a plan and His promise is true. He turned a funeral into a celebration with the unexpected visit of someone who had been there and could speak great hope into the dashed dreams.

I had pleaded with God earlier in the day to give me a sign that He would fulfill His promise to make things better for me and for my struggling friends. God didn't change the circumstances of my struggle or for the struggles of some of my friends, but He did show up miraculously for one and that is enough for me to begin today with blind trust. God keeps His word - not in my time line and not always with the answer that I'm sure is the right one for me, but He shows up in His perfect timing.

I see God pulling up Google on His computer and locating Georgia and eventually my house where I sit this morning asking for His presence. Right over my house - no - right over my heart is His little push pin. He's aware that I'm here.

If you go back to the photo, you can see a glimmer of Light coming up over the tree line under the dark clouds. I see that Light coming for me.

A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to mourn, a time to hope....

A time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to mourn, a time to hope..........there has been time for all of that here in the serenity of the northwoods on our property entitled "Loonfeather Gatherings". The loons have gathered and sung to me, and there have been lots of gatherings of friends around the campfire and gatherings of thoughts of both losses and of hopes.

Soon the paddle boat and canoe will come out of the water to be washed down, dried and tucked away for another year. The frog wind sock will get a rest in the barn and the flowers will go back to Georgia. And so.............seasons. Seasons of life, seasons of rest. It has been a rest here - one I've called a sabbatical for me. There were things to laugh over, silly jokes around the campfire, antics of two fishermen coming in with stories of the "big one" that they couldn't get into the boat. Lot's of stories of potential fish...........few actual fish packages in the freezer for this winter's meals. Fishing was great but the catching was sparse this year.

There was an opportunity to cry. I didn't realize how the tears had been stored up until I began to sing along with Michael W. Smith's Worship album. "Draw me close to you" was my desire for this time of quiet. Somehow asking once again for God's closeness by song literally opened the flood gates of tears. Tears of both sadness and joy over the sale and closing of my childhood home. That chapter of my life is done, what was is no longer and what is to come is full of hope.

There was a time to mourn things that are lost, friendships, family ties, longings for things that will not come in my lifetime here on Earth, and of friends suffering illness and loss of hope.

And then there is that word - "hope". It pops up in my life so often. It's the foundation of our ministry - "Embraced by Hope". It guides me toward life, it reminds me to fight against the attack of Evil. It's the rainbow God gave me early on during this sabbatical that would remind me and carry me through the betrayal of what I thought was a good friend.

And so as I tuck away the things that stay here in the north woods, waiting for my return next year, I go back to the world I left behind with hope. Some dear friends have faced a time of waiting on God to open the door to the next chapter of their lives. As I have prayed for them and longed for God to answer their prayers quickly, I've thought back to the times God has opened new doors for Dane and me. There were new churches to pastor, new houses to make into a home for our growing family, new friends to make, moves to 16 different places and new memories to tuck away in our hearts. Each day is a new opportunity to hope. Today I prepare to leave this place with a cleansed heart, a rested mind, and hope for what God has for my tomorrows.

Black bird, black bird, fly away home!

While enjoying the serenity of the north woods, I enjoy feeding the birds, as does my neighbor. We both have seed feeders and hummingbird feeders. The hummingbird feeders have found my feeders adequate and have graced me with their presence. They will soon begin their long journey south to warmer weather for the winter. My neighbor has lots of chickadees and finches at his feeder. I have none. My seed is as good as his and my feeders well stocked.

I don't have the coveted little birds but................I have black birds - lots of them! I came up from the dock to a loud noise - a board meeting of black birds right in my yard. They have found my feeders and have invited their friends and family to join them.

At first just my presence frightened them off. Then they became more comfortable with me and I needed to clap my hands. Next I needed to add the words spoken with force "Shoo, Shoo!!" to the clapping. I wonder if I'm a comedy act for my neighbors as I shoo black birds out of my yard?

My time resting was being interrupted as the need to clap and yell "Shoo, Shoo!!" came more frequently. As I stood at the window washing dishes yesterday, God showed me a lesson on value. Who says the chickadees and finches are more valuable? They may be more colorful, but if I look at the shiny black feathers of the black birds when the sun hits them, I see a banquet of colors.

God doesn't see the birds as having variable values. He sees each as unique, valuable, and having a distinct purpose in the community of birds.

I took this a step further to me and my community of people. God sees each of us as equally valuable, unique and God has a plan for each of us, a life plan designed specifically for me. God has a huge refrigerator which has the photo of each one of His children on it. If I take the time to look, I'll find my photo there on His refrigerator.

I've been inviting God into my time of sabbatical. I missed His lesson in the black birds a first but I get it now. They came to my feeders for a purpose specifically for me. They are welcome to stay!

"Rain, rain go away - come again another day. This was my lament. Dane was at a delicate place in completing a project. My campfire was just about perfect for the soon-to-be enjoyed s'mores. Rain wasn't in the schedule and not a welcome addition to our plans. No, God, please - not rain - not right now. Yes, the earth does need rain - but God...........I have these plans and rain doesn't fit them well. Could you wait until another time to rain? Wah, wah, wah, on went my whining until the downpour of rain told me strongly that God intended for it to rain and for it to rain right now - despite my plans. My plans didn't coincide with God's plans and His plans were best. Hum..........are there other areas of my life when I whine at God to change His plans to suit mine?

As I sulked in my chair under the awning, a bright light caught my eye. It was a rainbow, one of the most brilliant and wide rainbows I've ever seen. I have a passion for rainbows and sunsets. I have lots of photos of gorgeous sunsets, but not many rainbows. To have a beautiful rainbow, first there must be a storm. This rainbow seemed to come right up out of the Canadian mountains and it's arc was complete, ending out over the water to the east - just as bold at one end as the other. As I grabbed my camera to capture this gift, there appeared yet another rainbow, not as bright, but there, just the same. Two rainbows, a sight I rarely see!

Dane was able to complete his project just before the rain got really heavy and there will be other evenings for camp fires and s'mores. The rain that I saw as an intrusion was God's plan to bless me and to answer my request to Him.

I've been purposing to quiet myself, listen to God's whispers to me and look for ways He is showing up in my life for me personally. God showed up through the rainbow, but first I had to trust His plan, a plan that didn't match the plan I had for the evening.

Without the rain I would have missed a beautiful meeting with Him. I purpose to continue to watch and listen for God and to look at areas of my life where I miss His gifts to me because of my resistance to His plan while clamouring for my own.