Precarious

The recent weeks have been precarious for me. Webster defines precarious as “dependent upon the will or favor of another person”. Another description is “dependent upon circumstances; uncertain, insecure”.

Some of the words don’t resonate well with me – some because they aren’t true for me and some because they are.

I have caught myself being dependent upon the will or favor of another to the point of performing in ways I hope will make others find good favor in me, to treat me with kindness, and to desire to be in community with me. This performance mode allows little space for the real me to emerge. When I am not treated with kindness and I continue to allow it, I’m exposing at a deep level what I believe my value is – not much if I allow my value to continually be challenged by the harshness of others.

Dependent upon circumstances; uncertain and insecure? As long as I’m manipulating life to have the outcome I want, I’m not exercising much trust in God to show up and write the story as He knows best.

Today is a rememberance of the death of Christ on the cross. He went there so I could live with impact and with authenticity. He took my sins with Him. But I’ve held on to some in selfishness and fear.

The person I am desiring to be dependent upon is God. I know I have His favor, even when I screw up. I don’t have to perform to receive His acceptance. He longs to be in community with me.

The circumstances swirling around me are at times uncertain and certainly insecure. What I’ve done to hide and cover that pain is a sin I need to take to the cross and leave there. My security is not found here in people or circumstances. And the hope of my future is secure. I may not yet see the title of the coming chapters of my life, but I can stop trying to flip to the last pages of the book to read the ending. I can stop dressing up my reality or manipulating circumstances to change the way the outcome appears.

I can instead live in trust that the ending will be glorious because that’s what God says I am – GLORIOUS!

As I ponder Christ’s sacrifice for me on the Cross today – my way of honoring that sacrifice is to purpose to live today and the days coming with faith and trust. God is my author and finisher and in Him I place my trust. Precarious yes, uncertain, yes, insecure – NOPE!